Ana's story

Read Ana’s story below or listen to her podcast.

I was born in Poland, the second child from my parents’ arranged marriage.  At a young age I was sent to live with my grandparents in a small village outside of the city where my parents lived.  There were only three houses in the village, including my grandparents’ house and my dad would visit me each weekend. I remember a lot of happy childhood memories when I stayed with my grandmother.

Near my sixth birthday, a neighbour congratulated me on having a brother. Although I was happy, I didn’t fully understand and asked my grandmother who explained that my mother had given birth to a son. Shortly after this my parents decided that I would live with them. This was a big change for me as life proved to be more difficult. My grandmother was loving but my parents were violent and aggressive. They didn’t look after me and I felt embarrassed with the way I looked and the clothes I wore. I remember being very upset and cried a lot, which my mum found very difficult. My parents would take me to parties and my dad would often get drunk and become violent towards everyone around him, including my mum and my older sister.

I learned very quickly that evenings were not always safe at home, depending on whether dad was drunk or not. Eventually mum started to drink a lot too.She felt that if they drank together, things would be easier for her and dad would stop hurting her. I often spoke to my parents about their drinking, I told them I felt unloved and tried to stop them, but it didn’t make a difference. I was afraid and my sister was the only person who was there for me. When she married and moved out, I was heartbroken.

As a teenager, I rebelled and started to hang out with the wrong crowd. When my parents were drunk it was easy for me to take money from them to buy drugs and alcohol. It was at this time that I fell in love and experienced rejection for the first time.

I was alone and struggled emotionally and mentally. I was depressed and attempted to commit suicide by overdosing on pills. Luckily my sister found me and took me to the hospital. Secretly I saw a psychologist for help afterwards until my mum found out and stopped me attending. Instead of helping me, my mum decided that I was too much trouble, so it was time for me to get married. Her aim was for me to get an arranged marriage, which was how I met my first husband. He was my mum’s friend’s son. At the time, I didn’t know what my mum had planned. I liked having an older boyfriend, who would buy me gifts and take me out.

Eventually his behaviour changed and I realised he was an alcoholic. When he was sober, he was angry and controlling. When he was drunk, he was happy but aggressive if I refused to have sex with him. I got pregnant at 17 years old. Life became harder as it was frowned upon to have a baby outside of marriage. My mum’s ultimatum was to marry the father of my child or move out. I had nowhere to go so we got married. He became more controlling and stopped me from having any friends. After two years, he moved out as a way of punishing me, as he believed I would beg him to come back, but I didn’t.I was miserable in our marriage and it was a relief when it ended.

It wasn’t easy being a single mum, still living at home with alcoholic parents. I couldn’t cope so I started to go out again; started a relationship with an irresponsible man and drank too much. I also found out that my brother was taking drugs and that’s when I decided I had to change and become a good example for him. I hoped that I would be able to help him, but I failed. I realised that I had to put myself and my child first, so I moved out.

I moved in with my boyfriend’s family and found a part time job. When my daughter became a toddler and required more attention, I was told that my daughter couldn’t stay. I made the difficult decision to leave my daughter with my parents whilst I continued to work. My boyfriend wasn’t supportive at all, so I knew I had to earn enough money to find a place for me and my daughter. This was almost impossible as most of the jobs I could do didn’t pay well.

I remembered my mum travelling to Sweden to work for a few months each summer. She always came back with a lot of money, so I thought it would be a good idea for me to do the same. My daughter’s dad and I had an agreement that he would look after her whilst I worked in Sweden. Whilst there, I met someone who would eventually become my second husband. He was different, I felt I could confide in him. He would listen to me, so I trusted him.

When it was time for me to go back to Poland, I decided that I would get an education in order to get a better job. At the time, my parents’ drinking had worsened and there was nobody to look after my daughter. It was a difficult time, I had to put a pause on my education once again and moved in with my second husband, my boyfriend at the time.

I was happy for a short time, until my dad had an accident. He had brain surgery and never woke up. Sadly, he died a month later.My boyfriend had family members in the UK and suggested we moved for a fresh start and I agreed.

I made the decision to leave my daughter with my mother for a few months until we moved and settled in the UK. I thought that once my daughter joined me, I would be happy, but I wasn’t. I had a perfect husband and a beautiful daughter, so I couldn’t understand why I was still sad. We went on to get married and we had two boys. After my second pregnancy, I suffered from postpartum depression and struggled with suicidal thoughts. Thankfully, a friend whom I’d confided in urged me to seek help, so I visited my doctor who suggested that I try therapy. I knew I had to get better for the sake of my children who needed me.

I contacted the organisation Mind to help me cope mentally. I discovered that I am an adult child of alcoholics and that my childhood affected me a lot more than I had realised. Whilst searching for information on children of alcoholics, someone told me about Al-Anon. I started to attend a local polish speaking meeting where I was able to be honest about what I had been through without feeling ashamed.

Eventually I started to believe in myself and knew that I could be happy. I divorced my husband and moved out. I still have bad days, but my children give me the strength to carry on. Every day is a challenge, but my children are my motivation and with the help of Al‑Anon, anything seems possible. I live one day at a time.

If you’re affected by someone’s drinking and would like support, email helpline@al-anonuk.org.uk or call our free and confidential helpline on 0800 0086 811.