Amy’s story

Our parents were proud and respected business people who did their best to raise two identical twins with vastly different personalities. I was often the one getting scolded by my mother, while my father tried to shield me from the chaos caused by my older twin sister. I felt belittled and was labelled as the troublemaker. As a result, I developed a stammer and a nervous disposition from an early age.

As we grew up, it became evident that I struggled, particularly with communication and schooling. My twin was always getting into trouble, and I was blamed for most of it but because of my speech impediment, I struggled to express myself clearly. This made it easy for her to shift the blame onto me. My twin, on the other hand, could do no wrong, and our relationship got worse. One time, my sister was flirting with a guy and even jumped on him in front of our mum and me. When I made a scene about it because it felt inappropriate, I was the one who got told off. Her behaviour was completely out of control, but she couldn’t understand what she had done wrong. My parents sided with her, saying she was just having fun.

We were always arguing and fighting. Our parents often had to step in and separate us. While I can’t recall if we ever actually came to blows, I wouldn’t put it past us.

Eventually my parents realised that my sister’s behaviour was defiant and disruptive, but they hoped her behaviour would improve once she reached her teenage years and matured into a young woman.

We both attended primary school, but by the age of 11, we were separated and went to different secondary schools. As I had learning difficulties my parents sent me to a private school for a better education, but despite that, I continued to struggle and was bullied, becoming more withdrawn and frightened to speak out.

By the time we were 16, it became increasingly difficult for our parents to manage my sister. After she left school, she pursued further education and eventually went to university, never returning home. Her behaviour grew more disturbing and distressing; she attempted suicide on multiple occasions by overdosing on painkillers, and ended up spending time in a mental health hospital. My sister loved the party scene, enjoyed drinking, and liked flirting with guys. Prior to the suicide attempt, she was in a relationship with a boy that my parents didn’t approve of. We later found out that she had had an abortion which I think was probably one of the reasons why she struggled mentally.  No one realised that her behaviour was a direct result of alcoholism but in hindsight, the signs were obvious. My sister’s behaviour was extremely challenging, her personality changed drastically especially when she drank. She would shout, scream, and throw things, much like a small child having a tantrum.

Looking back, her drinking was completely out of control. I remember one argument in the kitchen where I confronted her about her drinking, trying to tell her she had a problem. Years later, she admitted that she was dependent on alcohol but had no intention of changing her habits. She  increasingly behaved like Jekyll and Hyde. When I was 40, I told her that it was the last time I would be involved with her where alcohol was concerned. It took me another 19 years before I found Al-Anon.

What I didn’t realise was how much her behaviour had affected my own, exacerbating my stammer and nervous disposition to the point where people treated me as if I were stupid. No one listened to me. Alcohol was a constant presence in our home, my parents enjoyed drinking, but it never affected their behaviour. There was even an occasion when the police came to my door, ordering me to go to the station because my sister had put my name down for something she had done; drinking and driving.

My parents swept the problem under the carpet and didn’t comment on my sister’s drinking. They were either in denial, or it was easier to pretend that there wasn’t a problem.

Over the years, her drinking increased. After getting drunk she made advances on my friend’s boyfriend by mounting him in front of everyone. My parents still blamed me for making a scene. It was extremely hard and painful that my dad had taken her side on this rare occasion and it stayed with me for a long time. Sadly, he died that same year in my arms. It took me nearly my entire adult life to realise how deeply I had been affected by all of this.

The final straw came in 2021 when I received a phone call from my twin, announcing she was getting married the next morning as another way to seek attention. This is what she did, she had always found a way to make everything about her, and because our parents always defended her, she had never seen anything wrong with it. Her relationship was toxic and I didn’t like her husband, he was just after her money. I knew that her marriage would end in chaos, affecting the whole family.

A friend at the hospice I worked at, who knew of my situation informed me of Al-Anon, and gave me the helpline number. Due to my dyslexia, I couldn’t pronounce Al-Anon, let alone spell it to find the details online. A few months after that, at the age of 59 I went to my first meeting.

Thank goodness I found Al-Anon, it has transformed my life. By working the programme and getting a Sponsor, I attended my first in-person meeting on 2^nd June 2021. Now I’m living life on my terms, taking it one day at a time. I keep coming back, listening, learning, and working the programme to grow and develop. I reach out to other Al-Anon members for support and offer it in return. It’s a magical programme if you work it. I’m so grateful to be able to do service within the fellowship. I finally have my life back and it’s wonderful. My outlook has transformed and I can finally laugh again.

After her second divorce, my sister told me that she should have listened to me, but this time, I didn’t feel like gloating, I had sympathy and compassion for her instead.

My sister is still in my life as we manage my parent’s business together and with the help of Al-Anon I have learnt to be more compassionate and set boundaries for my own wellbeing.

Listen to Amy’s story below.