Jasmine's story

Read Jasmine’s story below or listen to her podcast.

My father was a Hindu, my mother was a Catholic and I was born out of wedlock, in Mauritius. My father was disowned by his wealthy family when he stayed with my mother. Four years later, my mother changed her name and religion; they got married and had three more daughters.

I was responsible for taking my sisters to school as well as cleaning the house. My parents would tell my sisters they loved them, but they never said this to me. I was also the only child who was physically abused by my father. In primary school, I came second in a class of 31 so my dad beat me with a cane for not being first. My mother never told my father to stop and although she didn’t hit me, she forced me to wash her menstruating cloth with my bare hands.

Growing up, I believed I was adopted. This was the only logical explanation I could think of why they treated me so badly despite my constant attempts to please them. I did all the chores, looked after my sisters, passed all my exams, came first in class, won a scholarship, never complained and it still wasn’t enough for them. It became unbearable so I planned my death. I collected and hid poison in the garden shed. Finally, I was alone in the house. I said my goodbyes to Poppy (my dog who had been my only friend, as I wasn’t allowed to have actual friends) and went to the shed.  As I approached, Poppy ran to the shed door and started to growl. After several attempts, I realised Poppy wasn’t going to let me get inside the shed. It was then too late as my mother came home.

As soon as I turned 18, I started planning to leave home. I asked for help from an uncle who had left to join the army in Germany. He suggested I train to become a nurse. We only had one hospital on the island and I would most likely have to train abroad. I didn’t know where I would end up and didn’t care, I just wanted to leave home. My mother hid my acceptance letter from a hospital in London and only told me three weeks before I was due to start training. She made it clear that I wouldn’t be going so I persuaded my father to help me, and he agreed when I told him I’d send him money every month. I sent him half of my salary for years until I couldn’t afford to anymore.

After a few years, I realised that I wanted to get married and start a family of my own. I was 24 when I met my first husband. He was 12 years older than me. An emaciated ex-drug addict with bad teeth and little hair but he agreed to marry me. After we were married, he told me I had to give up my job because he was a Yorkshire man and “Yorkshire men don’t allow their women to work”. He also said we had to move from London to Yorkshire because it would be cheaper to live. The first place we went to was the mother of his child’s home, which took me by surprise since I wasn’t aware of their existence. He then took me to his parents’ house, where I met them for the first time. They didn’t approve of me because I wasn’t British.

He still couldn’t get a job and started drinking, so I went back to work as a nurse.  I wasn’t allowed any friends. He stayed home and I gave him my salary. I worked for 30 consecutive nights to make enough money to take him to Mauritius. I thought that would make him happy and he would stop drinking. He just drank more as the rum was cheaper and when we got back, in one night he drank all the rum we had brought back for his siblings. I left him the next day but had to come back as I had nowhere else to go. I still stayed with him even when he raped me.

The realisation that my life wasn’t normal came the day I saw the look on my friend’s face when I told her that I had to ask my husband for money to buy tampons. The day I left was when he threw something at me as I was leaving for work. I went to stay with a colleague and later went back to collect my things.

A few years later when I was 37 I met my second husband. We met at work and we got on well. One morning he asked me to marry him out of the blue, and I said yes. When I told my colleague, she said he had asked other female co‑workers. I knew he was a chain smoker, so I told him I would keep my word and marry him if he gave up smoking because I thought he wouldn’t be able to. However, he gave up through hypnosis which brought us closer. I decided to move in with him, even though he told me he would be bringing women home when I was away on work trips. I wasn’t sure if he was serious or joking.

When he was made redundant, he decided we would move to Ireland where he was born. I wasn’t accepted by his Irish Catholic family, work colleagues or the community as I was a non-Caucasian divorcee. He didn’t find work, but I did, so I bought a home, furniture, food and a car.  He said he needed to visit his friends, so he used the car each day and I took the bus to work. I bought paint and materials for him to decorate the house which he never did. Even though, he spent most of his time on the computer watching porn, I still married him. There were a few people at our wedding. Four months later, I came home from work to a mess and realised that if I had a baby with this man I would have to look after both of them. That wasn’t the life I wanted so I decided to leave and put the house on the market. When it was sold, I found a room to rent in London and moved back.

At 42, I met my third husband whilst interviewing applicants for a job, which I gave him. He had the skills required to do the job he applied for and was very efficient. He got promoted and that’s when we started to work together. We became friends and soon enough we were seeing each other. When I first met his mother, she said “how can you be friends with my son when you don’t drink?” I just thought it was a funny remark at the time and laughed it off. There was always alcohol around him and his friends. Unlike my previous husbands he was a happy drunk. He was sociable and had a good sense of humour. He also bought me chocolates, flowers and took me out for dinner which was a nice change.

I sold my flat, paid off his debts and moved in with him in a room he rented from his friend. We got married and stayed there as we couldn’t afford a place of our own. I soon realised his drinking was the reason he had been in debt. His drinking increased and he left work and moved to France. I couldn’t leave so continued to work, saved up and bought a flat for him to live in. On my days off, I would visit him. On one visit I bumped into a neighbour who asked where I was going. When I told her who I was her expression quickly changed, and she hurried away. I realised my husband was having an affair and that’s when I had my first panic attack. Eventually my husband admitted to the affair and that he wanted to stay with us both. I wasn’t going to put myself through that, so I left and returned to London.

My father disowned me when I refused to let him come to London and live with me. He kept a diary and when he died, I read it; he wrote that he only had three daughters.  My mother visited after my father died and also wanted to move in, but I refused. Although I had never been close to my sisters, I wanted to keep them in my life, however they didn’t make it easy for me and eventually we stopped contact.

I craved love in my marriages because I didn’t receive any growing up. During each marriage, I believed if I worked hard enough and looked after my husbands, they would stop drinking. The more I tried the worse the drinking got.

I remember a colleague once told me about Al-Anon. At the time, I didn’t think I needed help. However, when I started to get panic attacks and couldn’t afford professional help, I decided to call the helpline and attended a local meeting. I thought Al-Anon could help save my third marriage, but instead it helped me realise that I couldn’t change my husband. I learnt that alcoholism is an illness which affected me since childhood. I have forgiven my parents and learnt to find love within me.  Al‑Anon has given me emotional and spiritual support. Today I am a spiritual person. I no longer think about ending my life, instead I live by doing things that make me happy.

If you’re affected by someone’s drinking and would like support, email helpline@al-anonuk.org.uk or call our free and confidential helpline on 0800 0086 811.