Agnes’s story

I met my husband when I was 16 years old. We met at an Irish Dance Hall in London that had a bar. I was young and naive and knew nothing about alcohol other than some people liked to drink a lot. Over the next year, I noticed my husband-to-be was indeed one of the men who was often drunk at the dance. I wasn’t put off by this because as well as being naive I was also over confident, bordering on arrogant. I had a belief that I could change him.

Over the coming two years we ‘dated’ regularly but looking back it was not really dating as we only ever went to pubs, weddings, dances, basically anywhere he could drink. I did not drink alcohol until I was 18 years old, and even then, I was not that interested in the pub scene. My sole purpose over those early years of our relationship was to try to control how much he drank. I even believed I had some influence on his drinking. There were many arguments between us and at one point I instigated a break of about six weeks, which I thought would prove he cared enough to stop drinking. This did not happen. Not only did his drinking habits not change after six weeks, but I felt he enjoyed the freedom to drink and was probably disappointed my controlling had returned. However, he did not express this view but just continued as before. On my part I also continued scheming and planning new ways to reduce his drinking, still believing I had some influence.

I was now sure that the answer was ‘to get married’ as then he would be happy. He did not object to this suggestion as I realise now, he just went along with anything for an easy life. In fact, just to support my theory he stopped drinking for three months before we got married and I thought ‘this was it’, ‘I was right all along’. He wants to have a home and family. We were married when I was 19 years old, still young, yet full of self-confidence that I could  have control of his drinking 24/7, after all he had  stopped drinking and I was not expecting him to start again.

My husband was a good worker and rarely missed time from work. However, shortly after we married a pattern emerged where he would only drink at weekends. Initially, I believed this was not too bad as many men he worked with drank at weekends. Was I being too controlling? I asked myself, and for many months I lived in ‘denial’ that he had a problem with alcohol. As I wanted to believe he could stop when he wanted, after all he did not drink during the week.

Then his drinking pattern became confusing to me. Why could he stay sober during the week but come Friday his drinking would start straight after work and not end till the pubs closed, by which time he was very drunk. The weekends were an unhappy time for me as his drinking was unpredictable. Depending on when he would start drinking, where he was and who with, I might not see him from Friday morning until maybe Sunday evening, when he knew he had to work the next day. This pattern continued for some time until we had our first child, when I was convinced he would change, he did not. In fact, his drinking got worse. I was now at home full time with a young baby and even more unhappy as my efforts to control his drinking were not working.

He started drinking more frequently, now on a Thursday when he was paid. Money became another worry as I was no longer working and dependant on his wages. I bargained with him to come home first with his money, then he could go drinking. Of course, if he did, I was already planning on ways to keep him home, but he never did come home with his wages as alcohol was his priority. Even though things were bad at home and I was very unhappy, I went on to have two more children. Still of the belief this would improve the situation. While all this sounds crazy now, at the time it made complete sense to me.

While he had a pattern of drinking, which was progressing to weekly drinking, I also developed a pattern of reacting and controlling. I would wait up for him to come home, watching out the window constantly. How was he walking? How did he put the key in the door? How drunk was he? Then I would ask the same questions …. Where were you? How much did you drink? Most of the time he was too drunk to answer and even if he could answer he would say “ I only had one or two”. I continued to ask these futile questions, having arguments with him when he was drunk, and beg and plead for him to stop drinking.

One night, just after Christmas we went out together to a local pub where he drank as usual. We returned home to my mother who had been babysitting. She lived a fair distance away and it was late so my husband said he would drive her home. To this day I do not know why I allowed him to drive her home while drunk but this was my turning point. My own rock bottom. How did I not realise she could have been killed that night or both could have died. The realisation of what had happened brought me to my first Al-Anon meeting. I rang a family member who was in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and asked for help. I also rang the AA helpline and I was directed to my first Al-Anon meeting.

I convinced my husband that he too had to attend AA that was on at the same time. I do not remember much from that first meeting as my head was still thinking of my husband in his meeting. Was he listening? Is this it now, will he keep going? He didn’t but I knew I had to go, if I wanted answers of ‘how to stop him drinking’. I was to learn over many months that not only did Al-Anon not give advice or tell me how to stop him drinking, they asked how I was. How was I? I was fine but needed my husband to stop drinking to be ok. I heard members tell their story of how they had tried to stop their partner/son/daughter from drinking, and I could see some similarities with things I had done to stop my husband drinking. I could not see during those early months how much alcoholism had affected every part of my life, my thinking, my self-care, my ability to care for my young children. I did not neglect them physically but emotionally I was not available, as I was obsessed with stopping my husband drinking. It consumed me morning, noon and night so I had no space to consider how my children were doing or responding to their needs.

What the Al-Anon programme gave me was a life. A life where I began to do things with my children regardless if he was home or not. I no longer waited at the window for him to come home but went to bed at night. The arguments stopped as I learnt I could not stop him drinking, so what was the point questioning him when he was drunk. I began to get some peace in my life and understood the word ‘serenity’. I still lost my serenity at times when I slipped back into old behaviours, but that was ok as I knew how to find that peace again; attend my Al-Anon meetings, ring a member or read some Al-Anon literature.

My husband eventually got sober a year after I found Al-Anon. He had noticed the change in me, and initially was not happy with me attending the meetings. That changed however as he progressed in his sobriety and he became very positive about Al-Anon, even saying “the change in me had helped him to get sober”. I know his sobriety was not due to any of my efforts to stop him drinking, but I do believe that my own change of attitude towards him that I had learned in the Al-Anon meetings had definitely helped.

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